The process of selling the farm has been sadly very much like everything else I’ve planned in this life, surprisingly difficult, discouraging, and even spiteful. Sometimes I’m able to step outside the feeling of self pity (I can’t think of a better phrase right now) and view with fascination how circumstances magically become more difficult as I am able to navigate around lesser problems that I have learned to deal with simply because they were always present and I became used to them. It’s certainly not about greater challenges joining with greater ambition, in fact I very much am trying to do less, have less and be less.
I am strong enough now to resist the platitudes that state we all have these experiences and that life is just like that. No, it is not. We all don’t experience being raped, or wrongly imprisoned. Many of us have never had a drug addition or desired to gun down a room full of people or actually done so. I’m not saying that some people never experience disappointment, but it is obvious that those born into families with great wealth and power have lives that don’t resemble what most of us call life. Likewise, a person who has talent, recognizes that talent and then works at it to become a star athlete or musician will leave this world with other thoughts in their mind than the person who has never read a book that transported them to another world or has an unattractive face.
I have spend much time considering this and how could it be that we humans have anything in common beyond the biology of life. Turtles and hawks are easily grouped together among themselves because we don’t perceive them as having life beyond their particular biology. They act consistently within the established framework (nature) to ensure their continued existence. We humans don’t do that nor do we have very similar experiences across the population as do say Aardvarks. No, life is not just like that and it is completely illogical that we evolved in a way that is contrary to the forces of nature, the same forces that are the primary principles behind the ideology that is the theory of evolution. It is obvious there are other forces in play here, give them whatever name pleases you. I wrote a story (not a lecture) about this – The Souls of Sheep
Once again I find myself facing a wall, the boundary of my ability to pass beyond. What scares me is that my past experience when facing a wall dictates that I will not pass through the wall. Usually I just stand there for a long or short period of time (days, years) eventually moving left or right and sometimes backwards. In those past times I was younger and physically stronger and could endure the ordeal. What happens when you progress beyond your ability to endure? Perhaps that is the definition of death.